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Literature by Tyrison


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Submitted on
January 2, 2013
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Sta.sh Writer
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Because there is only one of you;
in all of time
there is a need to preserve like a pickle;
the things that I love.
Well, I haven't written for a while. I always thought that love and being in love would provoke all kinds of inspiration inside of me to pour out my thoughts, my feelings and lots of mushy things. But yet, I don't have the time for all of that. I'm in Love.
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:iconbloodshotink:
I love the concept, the pickling. It reminds me of a similar concept I wrote about using butterfly nets to pin down memories of love. Its original and I like it.

However you jut need a quick punctuation check because currently one of your sections reads like this

"in all of time there is a need to preserve like a pickle"

Which I don't think is what you intended. I think you meant to have 'in all of time' in a insubordinate clause, so it would be

"Because there is only one of you,
in all of time,
there is a need to preserve, like a pickle,
the things that I love."

That's just my opinion and remember I'm no punctuation fiend so maybe ask your watchers for their thoughts before changing it, but I think thats how it should be.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbeccalicious:
As a whole, I feel the heart behind this piece, but I think it needs a little more attention.

Firstly, this piece is struggling to stand as poetry- in fact it feels more like flash fiction than a poem; it needs a stronger image, especially if you want to keep the brevity of it. I also feel like there could be more passion behind the words.


Even though this is already short, it could be even briefer yet still have the same effect. Here is one example, but it is worth playing with the words:


in all of time
there is only you;
a need to preserve
the things I love.


Also, you might what to revise the punctuation- is it supposed to be one full on sentence?

The idea of preserving love is a nice one, and I feel using that as your strong image could be the crux of this poem. Try not to use "like a" in poetry- its often an easy way to create imagery, but not original.

I understand this is a personal piece and you may not want to change anything, but there's opportunity to develop the piece and I hope you consider doing so :)
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14 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconthemoonofmyheart:
Themoonofmyheart Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for reminding of pickle. I am going to have it today for lunch :D but its true when you make someone the "one" of your life, all you wanna do is preserve every note, minute, moment that we share with them as long as we can in our hearts :) 
Qita
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:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Pickle :D so under-appreciated!
Thanks so much for the comment :)
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:icondemonmathiel:
DemonMathiel Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013   Photographer
:clap:
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:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:)
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
AAAaaaaaaahhh!!! :love: That is so sweet! :love: ... I'm so happy for you, Katy! :iconaawplz:
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:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:heart:
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