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Kaz-D's avatar
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Literature Text


Cornered by your smile, I have no other choice than to meet your eyes. When I look at you, it feels okay to see the reflections of myself in clear blue. Those same flickers of the past that I used to turn away from.  The other day we spent an hour with over a thousand other people sharing the same ground as us, and yet I could only look at the Thousandth-and-one human being that was you. And each time I met your glance I knew with such clarity and wholesome faith, that I'd never look away again.

You told me that before, a before that seems so long ago you had considered yourself not good enough. But Love is so much more than being good enough. Love has made you better than perfect, because it replaces the definition of perfection to include your quirks and traits.

I forget that my heart is beating, when your hand reaches for mine, and instead the taste of you becomes my oxygen. You stopped my painful journey of trying to turn myself into something I could never be and instead gently put the brakes on to allow me to see who I am right now.

But trying to tell you all this in person...Trying to make you understand that my feelings have no limits and my heart knows no boundary....doesn't work. I can formulate the words in my mind and compare them to waking up on a frosty morning to a sky tinged with pink. Or that feeling your hands slide around me as you erase the space between us is like seeing Buzzards circle on a lazy summer day. I could tell you that because of you, the world seems so much bigger but suddenly less daunting. More beautiful but equally just as shy.  But the words would be diminished the moment they left my lips.

Trying to word what I feel for you, is like capturing a magnificent firework display and later watching it on film. It's second best to the real thing. Saying I love you is second best to instant access to my heart.
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Meh. It's not...exactly what I wanted it to be. But it's getting there :) I'm almost inspired beyond belief lately and it takes alot to get these things down into readable format.

Thoughts, feedback much appreciated.
© 2010 - 2024 Kaz-D
Comments5
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Chaues's avatar
Hey, on behalf of:

:iconprojectcomment:

First of all, this is a great sentimental piece. It feels honest and sincere, rather than affected.

The first thing I have to mention is there are a few common grammatical mistakes, e.g.,

"You told me that before, a before that seems so long ago you had considered yourself not good enough."

The italicized is a clause, and should therefore be enclosed in the comma structure.

In this sentence:

"I could tell you that because of you, the world seems so much bigger but suddenly less daunting. More beautiful but equally just as shy."

There doesn't need to be a comma there. There are a few other places where the comma isn't used properly, but its not too big a deal, and it is an ambiguous grammatical structure. Just brushing up on some of the rules might help. :)

As a side not, it isn't grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with a conjunction (and, or, but), however, in general it is considered to make a weaker sentence, so perhaps think about using it more sparingly.

On to the content. I think this piece reaches its stride in the third and fourth paragraph, and is at its strongest in the last line. The reason is, there is much more concrete imagery here.

"I can formulate the words in my mind and compare them to waking up on a frosty morning to a sky tinged with pink."

"Saying I love you is second best to instant access to my heart."

These are by far the strongest lines, with clear juxtaposition and imagery. I'd like to see more of this throughout the piece. Also, you use clear decisive language, without leading conjunctions or passive structure. It's where I can begin to "see" rather than "be told" (that whole show don't tell advice), and I think the piece could benefit from more of this kind of writing. I want to see this relationship more than I want to be told about it :)

One last note, I'd really like to see the title be incorporated more strongly into the piece. Where I can see how it is linked with the last line of the piece, the majority of the text is about not opening up, rather than letting things in or out.