I found your work in the Lit Critique Thread and I'm critiquing this as part of ^Beccalicious's Twelve days of Critmas
I was intrigued from the first line, but also a little frustrated. This word : hospitability is frustrating me! I can't pronounce it, I can't define it, I feel like you're stuck between Habitable and Hospitality... Maybe it's worth taking a look at that just to see if it can be changed or your true intention with using it?
Reading on though, the first paragraph is strong and I really enjoyed it. The sense of atmosphere, the emotion, the hint at background info and the scene are all set really well and have definitely hooked me to keep reading.
Getting down the dialogue, I like how you introduce it, instantly giving a gruff impression of some of the characters and their attitudes. I'm not sure on the word 'Fragging' and what you've used it to mean here though.
Antilogical is another word that I've picked up reading on, again not sure on your meaning here. I apologise if I'm picking up on words that are correct in terms of the fan fiction you're writing for! I'm critiquing this from the point of view of technicalities and reading, rather than understanding much about fan fiction.
Reading on, the next few paragraphs are fantastic, gripping, right up to the introduction of the intruder, I feel the suspense, the sense of fear, the mystery, everything surrounding the setting and the atmosphere in the place. You've illustrated this really well throughout, and I like that. It's also my first reading of fan-fiction, and you've set the bar high!
Oh hey, thanks!
You're right, "hospitability" is too clunky. I'll replace it. I quite like "antilogical" though. It means the same as "illogical" but I'm using it to make the characters feel a bit more alien with their differing terminologies. Hmm. "Fragging" is the Cybertronian equivalent of the F word. You see made-up swearing a lot in science fiction, even Transformers.
I notice you said you felt suspense right up to Moonhunter's introduction; do you mean that you considered the reveal to be anticlimatic?