Dear Mr Glum

He stared moodily at the stack of letters in front of him and peeled open the front envelope, reading silently.

'Dear Mr Glum, I know what I want in life, and I know where I want to be...but how will I ever get there when I don't know how? Sincerely, Clear.'

Sighing, he tossed the paper aside and ripped open another envelope.

'Mr Glum, my girlfriend left me and I don't know where I stand or what to do, I want to be something, I want to exist...be recognised, but how can I when the best part of me is missing? Please help, Confused.'

He closed his eyes and tipped the chair back, the way that he'd always told his children not to do. He wondered at what age they would start disobeying his fragile advice. And had they already? He didn't know, he couldn't know, because he'd not seen them for five years. But pouring his heart and soul into helping others seemed like a suitable outlet.  

He stared at the two open letters in front of him, the start of a long days work. His eyes shook, as they often did when he thought of his children, and his vision blurred. Almost enough so that Confused and Clear merged into one.

Slicing the tops from the rest of the envelopes he had them all open in no time.

There was Stressed, Straight 'N' Narrow and Sexless. Horny, High and Harrowed. These were followed byLazy, Love Lost and Lonely. Betrayer and Healer. Laughless and Needy. Fearful, Fraudulent and Fantasized.  Joker and Energised.

Bruised, Bereaved and Bankrupt fell like falling leaves onto Tired, Tearful and Tested.  Lonely Rich Man, Children Left Home, Husband Cheated, Accused, Hater, Dying and Lover.

He scooped them up, marvelling at the difference in paper, writing, envelopes and problems. He knew not what he could do for these people, only that they needed his help and they needed it now. They relied on his words each week, his words were law...a literary religion flowed through the confines of his newspaper column. He picked up his pen and sucked it thoughtfully.

In a literary world, Fearful would meet Brave and together they'd work through their disruptive pasts. Sexless and Horny would immediately hit it off, becoming the steamiest couple of the century.

Stressed would meet Lazy, and they'd share their workload, easing each others stagment or overworked minds.

Lover would meet Hater and show her the world bathed in a rosy glow. Lonely Rich Man would stumble upon Bankrupt, and together they'd formulate new horizons.

Energised would glow alongside Tired. Laughless would fall into the arms of Joker and they'd giggle all night long.

Needy would find Lonely, and they'd fit like the missing pieces of a puzzle. Harrowed and Chilled would placate each other, giving the right doses of overworked emotions.

Husband Cheated would find Accused, and they'd learn that Betrayal shouldn't overtake a relationship. Bruised would realise that Healer is everything she has been looking for.

Love Lost would find Children Left Home, and they'd keep each other company on cold winter evenings over steaming cups of Hot Chocolate. Straight 'N' Narrow and High would teach each other the ways of the world.

Dying would meet Bereaved  and teach him a few things about Living....


It took him about an hour to pair up his readers and fix them through their own problems. At the end of it he had a neat and tidy pile of organised letters and replies ready to be posted.

He sat back, tilting his chair once again. His own words of warning echoing in his head like they always did. Suddenly he straightened and pawed through the letters, sending his efficiency into disarray. He checked again, and again, before stopping in defeat. There was no one there, just like always, that matched his one half of a partnership. Nobody for Mr Glum.

Then he spotted it, half hidden under the roller foot of his desk chair. The smallest envelope with the smallest and neatest writing. The most familiar of them all. He sliced it open, hands trembling.

'Dear Mr Glum,

                         _{Come Home...}

                                        Mrs Glum'